Being assertive
Without having to become someone you don't like
I did something the other day that left me feeling very proud of myself: when I was handed a bill I was pretty sure was wrong, rather than just paying it out of a sheer feeling of awkwardness, I actually questioned it.
That might sound like a small thing, but to me it was a big deal.
When I was handed the bill, I knew it didn’t seem right, but I nearly just paid it anyway. I actually got my phone out. But then I decided I needed to say something, so I did. I asked some questions and eventually the nice young man I was dealing with went off and spoke to someone, and the bill was cancelled.
Now that makes it all sound lovely and smooth and simple, but it wasn’t like that on the inside.
When it came to it, I felt my whole body resist (don’t do anything that might cause conflict, don’t make things uncomfortable, just pay it) but I did say something, and not only did I say something, I felt like it was effective and also didn’t put me in a position where I felt I was being rude or harsh. I felt like I was being myself. I was still very uncomfortable, but I did it, and it felt OK.
I want to explain how.
When it comes to expressing or holding boundaries, one of the things that can stop us is that we think being assertive means being aggressive. Being loud, rude, cutting or condescending. It took me a long time to realise that one of the reasons I found it hard to be assertive is because ultimately, I thought it had to be like that and I just don’t feel comfortable with it.
Things changed for me when I realised that you don’t have to be aggressive or mean in order to be steady, calm and immovable. The image I like the best here is that my intention is to be a rock in a stream. A rock is not aggressive, but it has a power of it’s own. A big part of being able to be more like this is having a bit of a formula for how to communicate and disagree with someone, in a way that feels OK to me. It goes like this:
Acknowledge: “I appreciate / I understand…”
Express: “From my perspective / my understanding of this is…”
Request: “Can you see where I am coming from / could you help me understand your view here / is that something you can consider / I would appreciate it if you could…”
Repeat: repeat back what you have heard, acknowledge, express, request again
So, I was able to simply just ask. I was kind, first and foremost. I said out loud that I totally got that there was a policy here regarding what the bill was for and I got where this person was coming from, but that from my end, it didn’t seem to fit with my understanding, so I wanted to check it out with him, would that be OK? He nodded and he listened. I explained my perspective. He explained that he thought it would still apply and I explained that I could see why from a technical standpoint, but it didn’t sit right with me given what I thought the deal was, and I asked him if he could get where I was coming from. He said he could.
Now, I still might not have got the outcome I wanted here, but that’s kind of not the point. The point is that I was able to actually push back on something I didn’t think was right, and walk away from that conversation feeling OK with myself as a human being. I was kind, I was polite, and I was solid and firm.
When it comes to holding boundaries, you don’t have to become someone you don’t want to be. You don’t have to be aggressive. You can be kind and immovable.
Solid. Like a rock.
Thanks for reading. Until next week,
Ted
P.S. Now I am singing “solid as a rock” from the Ashford & Simpson song.
P.P.S. There are a few different ways to learn more about this if you want to:
One is my three-hour deep-dive into boundaries, assertiveness and confidence, running on 8 June. Read all about it here:
Another is in 1:1 therapy or coaching with me: I carry a small caseload to make space for making free content, but slots come up regularly as clients finish their work. Read more about how it works and get in touch here:
I read this before work. I was going into a meeting first thing, where I knew I might need to give my perspective on a couple of points, and I was worried about the exact things you wrote about. It really helped. Thanks!